10 Ways Budgeting Saved My Marriage

Eleven years ago, my wife and I sat across the table from an experienced married couple squirming in their seats uncomfortably as though they feared we were about to deliver some terrible news.  But the source of their discomfort was the bomb they were about to drop on us.

You see, we were not yet married, but engaged, and the couple across the table was our mentor couple in our pre-marital class.  Upon review of our personality profiles and piles of personal baggage, they felt it their duty to discourage us from further pursuing the sacred vows of matrimony.  They’d never seen a hopeful couple more innately disparate, more inevitably destined for failure. 

We are indeed vastly different, but one thing my wife, Andrea, and I share in common is a penchant for resisting authority.  So with the blessing and support of family and friends, I’m thrilled to report we’ll be celebrating our eleventh anniversary this April with our two wonderful boys, Kieran and Connor, ages six and eight.

We have never forgotten, however, the well-intended admonishment of our mentor couple; indeed, we see much of life from vastly different perspectives, foremost among them our view of things financial.  And apparently, we’re not alone. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce.  Over 50% of those splits cite financial disputes as the primary reason for the break-up.

100% of marriages deal with money as a daily necessity.


This thought occurred several times when preparing my recent posts on budgeting on Forbes.com (How To Spend $1 Million At Starbucks) and TimMaurer.com (A Burdensome Yoke…Or A Path To Peace?).  It struck me that budgeting ranked right up there with prayer and counseling as a precious few factors that have helped keep us together.  Here are the top 10 ways budgeting has saved, and continues to save, our marriage:

10)  Budgeting forces us to collaborate.  It seems that as parents of young children, the level of commitments between work, school, church, sports and the arts leaves us functioning more as independent business partners than spouses.  We’re almost always in short supply of adult conversation and genuine collaboration, and (strange as it may seem) budgeting gives us the context for both.

9)     It offers healthy accountability.  Ronald Reagan famously said, “Trust, but verify,” and while 100% verification of trust in our marriage would be stifling, we’ve found periodic accountability to be a healthy way to build faith and trust in each other.  Our joint budgeting effort means all of our expenditures are accessible to the other.  Scrutinizing every penny spent would be unfair (a-hem, note to self), but knowing everything is visible is likely to encourage us each to spend more responsibly.

8)     It humbles us.  I’ve not found a more helpful tool in the pursuit of a successful marriage than humility, and since the use of money is so pervasive in our lives, small mistakes are the norm, not the exception.  Rarely a weekly cycle goes by in which we don’t each humbly acknowledge that we erred in some capacity, humbly submitting our mistake to the other.  And of course, a good budget is designed to withstand these small mistakes.

7)     It provides an opportunity for reconciliation.  The prevalence of small errors in our budgeting, however, provides fertile ground for a destructive tendency: that we’d develop a scorecard, real or implied, and shame the more regular offender (because there normally is one in most households).  So for us it’s very important that a humility ground-rule is established: Any time an offending spouse submits in humility to an irreversible mistake, forgiveness and reconciliation is the only way forward.

6)     It gives us reason to celebrate.  For each mistake, there are several successes in each budget cycle.  The long-term success of our marriage is often built on a series of small victories, and we should never withhold an affirmation for completing a project under budget or enjoying the security of a buffer when an emergency arises.

5)     It cuts down on surprises.  So many aspects of our life are subject to variability and volatility.  We can’t necessarily reduce the number of those surprises, but we can certainly reduce their negative impact by being financial prepared for them.  Financial strain, and especially shock, pushes many marriages to (and over) the brink.

4)     It makes us better parents.  All of us parents could probably agree that it’s possible to spend too little OR too much on our children, right?  We’re responsible to determine what the right levels of spending are for our children, and budgeting allows us to deliberately set aside appropriate levels of funding for education, clothing, sports, music and fun.

3)     It shows our dependence on each other.  Andrea and I do think very differently, and this inevitably leads to divisive thoughts like these: “You know, I think I could do this better on my own!”  But this decries the very essence of marriage as an institution in which each partner’s primary objective is to serve the other.  The process of budgeting puts our (literal and emotional) dependence on each other on full display.  That makes us vulnerable, but it’s good.

2)     It preserves a healthy level of independence.  The income production in most households is almost never perfectly equitable.  Andrea sacrificed a successful career in the financial industry when she chose to stay home with our young children.  This has been an incredible blessing in our family, but it’s also a breeding ground for insecurity and manipulation as I might have a tendency to overestimate my contribution to the family’s finances and underestimate Andrea’s.  It is imperative, then, that part of our budget is the preservation of a certain amount of financial independence for each spouse.  To offset this income inequity, we’ve established “His and Hers” accounts with unilateral privileges.  Many shun budgeting as too restrictive, but properly implemented, it actually gives us room to breathe financially, and we all need room to breathe.

1)     It preserves date night!  One of the interactions I’ve enjoyed most throughout my career was with a client who is a generation or two my senior.  He and his wife have five kids(!) and appear to be more in love today than they’ve ever been.  So at the close of one meeting, I got up the nerve to ask this gentleman what his secret to marriage and parenting was.  His answer?  They never fail to set aside time—and money—for each other as a couple.  He made a convincing case that we are better parents when we deliberately setting aside time to be together, away from the kids, and not just for date nights, but also long-weekends and even week-long vacations to remind ourselves that before we were parents we were lovers.  This proved especially difficult for Andrea and me because by the time we got to the end of most months, we’d already spent our discretionary cash on the rest of life and felt like we were taking funding away from other things to line-up a babysitter and enjoy a night or weekend out.  So now, much as we have preserved His and Hers accounts, we also have an Ours account.

Budgeting is not the slightest bit romantic, but it has the ability to promote and preserve the romance in our marriages and keep us on the right side of that daunting 50% divorce statistic.  There are as many good ways to manage this process as there are couples, and I’d love to hear some of the ways budgeting has helped preserve YOUR marriage also, so please share your story in the comments section!

The Articulate Incompetent

by Jim Stovall

The Internet and digital age have given rise to a new phenomenon.  There are people whoknow enough to be dangerous, not only to themselves but to you and me as well.  Beware of the articulate incompetent.  These are people who can talk a good game but have little or no experience at applying the newly-found knowledge they espouse.

With the ease of accessing a search engine and a brief period of focus, anyone can begin to convince you that they are an expert on anything.

Our grandparents would have had to travel to several libraries and universities and talk to a number of experts over several months or even years to have access to the information you and I have at our fingertips via the web.

To succeed in the 21st century, we must learn to differentiate information from knowledge, and knowledge from wisdom.  Information is nothing more than random data or facts that have no specific application until they are internalized.  Knowledge is the intake of that information.

A person who becomes knowledgeable has sought out a source of information, and by mastering that information, has gained knowledge, therefore becoming a source of information.  Wisdom is the practical, successful application of knowledge.  Wisdom is never gained solely by sitting in front of a computer screen or by occupying a seat in a classroom.  It comes through hard work, generally accompanied by trial and error.

Wisdom allows us to avoid painful, frustrating, and time-wasting situations.  Unfortunately, this wisdom is usually gained from going through painful, frustrating, and time-wasting experiences.

A person with knowledge may have a diploma, book, or computer program.  A person with wisdom often has bruises, scars, and a bit of gray hair.

As you are trying to reveal and, therefore, avoid the articulate incompetent, it is important to realize they will want to tell you what they know while you will want to inquire about what they’ve done.  An articulate incompetent may just know slightly more than you do about any subject.  You can usually derail an articulate incompetent by allowing them to spout off their knowledge and then just simply ask them, “How have you applied that in the real world, and what were the results?”

We still live in a world that, when it’s all said and done, there’s a lot said and very little done.  We don’t succeed based on what we know.  We succeed based on what we do.

Knowledge is a wonderful thing if it is obtained on the road toward wisdom that can benefit the traveler and the whole world.

As you go through your day today, separate information and knowledge from wisdom, and avoid the articulate incompetents.

Today’s the day!

A Burdensome Yoke…Or A Path To Peace?

Well, it wouldn’t be the New Year if we weren’t reminded that one of the top resolutions that will be made and inevitably abandoned is financial in nature.  “Improve financial condition” is once again the number two resolution for 2012 in the annual Franklin Covey New Year’s Resolutions study, and the only surprise is that it’s not number one!

But no matter what year I’m asked the question, “What’s the most important thing I could do to improve my personal finances?” the answer is never going to be about tactical asset allocation, navigating the alternative minimum tax or conducting a Roth IRA conversion.  Regardless of your income, your net worth, your age or employment status, the clearest determinant of a successful financial plan for ALL of us is the implementation of an effective cash flow mechanism, or its less sexy if not diminutive synonym—the budget.

So in my first Forbes post of 2012, I shared the shocking story with which you may already be familiar, about my affluent friend who found himself on a path to spending over $1 million at Starbucks, to rebut the common misconception that rich people don’t have to budget.  But here I’d like to address the more honest, unspoken question that I believe leaves most people among the ranks of the NON-budgeters:

ISN’T BUDGETTING JUST AN ANNOYING, BURDENSOME YOKE?  ANOTHER TO-DO WITH LITTLE MORE TO OFFER THAN A REMINDER THAT I’M FALLING SHORT?

The short answer: NO.

The less short answer: MAYBE.

Budgeting may indeed be little more than a burdensome yoke destined to be cast off if you don’t dedicate yourself to it wholly.  For example, if all you ever do is track your spending after the fact, which can be quite depressing.  (“Yup, I spent more than I should’ve…again.”)  Many mistake a monthly review of spending with a glance at the bank and credit card statements for budgeting, but a spending review is barely the beginning of a genuine cash flow system.  The process is really about setting forth a desired level of spending for the future and tracking spending at frequent enough intervals that your course can be reasonably adjusted.  A half-hearted effort at budgeting is likely to net you even less-than-half the benefits.

Although I recommend you find the rhythm that works best for you, my preference is a monthly budget that is reviewed weekly.  Each of my budget categories—food, housing, charity, entertainment, and many more—are given a monthly allotment and then we (yes, if your household is a we, it’s almost impossible to make budgeting work solely as an I) review spending weekly and make course adjustments for the month’s remainder.  If you’re able to maintain a weekly rhythm of review, the process is relatively painless in the short run and you’ll save yourself more heartache (heartache is not an overstatement for many people) than you could imagine in the long run.[i]

But what really takes budgeting from routine to revelation isn’t merely mastering the mundane, but planning for the unexpected…with margin.  With the exception of bills that are identical every period, each variable budgeting category should have a built in buffer designed to weather slight variance.  Then you should also have a separate miscellaneous buffer category for emergencies, auto repairs and other occasions that fall outside the bounds of your expectations.

You’ll fall head over heels in love with the boring process of budgeting when the unexpected becomes inevitable, but you’re prepared in advance.  No wondering where the money’s going to come from.  No turning to debt.  No personal financial crisis.  Just peace.

Speaking of love and budgets, stay tuned for an upcoming post on How Budgeting Saved (And Continues To Save) My Marriage.

Wishing you personal and financial peace in 2012!


[i] The not-so-secret to any habit I’ve ever maintained successfully is that it has to be in some way enjoyable, so every Saturday I take a cup of green tea upstairs with the wooden box dedicated as the receptacle for our household receipts to my office, choose some good music to suit my mood and run the numbers.  WHAT WORKS WELL FOR YOU?

Are Our Gifts Worth Anything?

On my Forbes blog this week, I shared the story and video of the Best Gift I Ever Received and how it surprisingly helped me navigate life and money.  Because that gift has continued to increase in value throughout my life, it led me to this difficult question: Do the gifts I give appreciate in value or depreciate?  I was challenged further, wondering: Do I give gifts out of compulsion—just to check something off my to-do list—or am I really putting my heart into it, making an investment in my loved ones?

My honest answer to both of those questions is less admirable than I’d hope.

So, with Christmas literally upon us, I’d love to learn from YOU: 

What are some of the gifts you’ve received—either tangible or intangible—that, like the best gift I ever received, have continued to accrue in value and pay dividends throughout life? 

And what are some of the best gift ideas you’ve devised that you’ve seen bless others tremendously?

 Please comment below, and have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Exciting News!

The past few weeks have included some exciting happenings, so I wanted to take this week’s Conversation to share the news with you:

First, on Wednesday, November 30th, I was up pretty early poking around on TimMaurer.com to prepare an upcoming post when I saw what I thought was a mistake.  It appeared that by 7am eastern that morning, the site had already enjoyed a flood of viewers—almost 1,500, shattering any past single day record, before most people have even had their morning coffee!

It turned out that USA Today had released a review of the book I co-authored, The Ultimate Financial Plan, which, of course, filled me with anticipation wondering whether or not the review was actually…positive.  Practically covering my eyes, I navigated to the online review, overwhelmed to see the headline: “Ultimate Financial Plan lives up to name.”  Jim Stovall and I have believed in this project since its inception, but I must admit my eyes started welling up as I received the hearty affirmation from one of the world’s most prominent media voices.  You can read the full review by clicking HERE.

One of the new realities in publishing, however, is that even after getting positive reviews in The New York Times and U.S.A. Today, we’re not guaranteed any level of success in spreading this entertaining education we believe to be so vital to individuals and households across the country, especially in these difficult financial times.  As you are probably aware, Amazon.com is now the primary driver of the dissemination of books, with and without covers, so I’m going to ask you a rare favor to help us further build momentum for this project: If you’ve read and enjoyed The Ultimate Financial Plan (or its “first edition,” The Financial Crossroads) would you please consider sharing your thoughts by reviewing the book on Amazon?  If you’d be so kind, you can do so by clicking HERE.

Second, that same week, I had the privilege of forging a new relationship with one of my favorite media outlets, ForbesForbes may have published its first magazine issue in 1917, but along the way they have also become a leader in new media, including blogging.  So when they asked me to begin blogging as a Forbes contributor, it was an easy decision for me.  You can check out the new blog by clicking HERE, and if you click on the picture bearing my mug, it will give you the opportunity to “follow” me, receiving updates when I post new content.  Initially, you’ll recognize some similarity between the content on TimMaurer.com and on Forbes, but I will also be creating wholly new content, like this week’s post, “It’s 10pm…Do you know how your advisor is getting paid?”

I’m very thankful for these new opportunities, but especially for YOUR support of my mission to change the way people view and interact with money.  Thank you for reading, commenting, questioning and sharing.  And as always, I look forward to your helpful suggestions about how I can make this correspondence better serve you. 

Financial Death

“If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.”

Steve Jobs was not the first to say this, but apparently the most famous[i].  He mentioned it at the Stanford commencement ceremony of 2005, and he didn’t leave the quote merely hanging in the philosophical ether.  He personalized it further:

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Jobs was initially diagnosed with cancer in October 2003, told first (mistakenly) he had less than six months to live, so he did have a chance to contemplate his thoughts on death prior to these eloquent words spoken at Stanford.  But according to his life prior to cancer, he seemed to live with this same blend of urgency and peace with prospective failure.[ii]

What keeps you from living life with a sense of urgency?  What keeps you from an impassioned pursuit of whatever it is that you feel created to do?

In entirely too many cases, the answer is fear not of physical death, but instead fear of our financial demise…which is often rooted in a fear of lifestyle reduction…which is often rooted in a fear of relative lifestyle comparison with our peers…which is especially ironic when you consider the millions of unemployed workers, bankrupt households, foreclosed homes and underwater homeowners.  Most stricken with these seemingly terminal financial illnesses actually “followed the rules.”  They didn’t take big chances, but instead followed the crowd.

What would it look like in your life, work and finances if “all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure” were cast aside, as Jobs suggests?  And is it possible to do this responsibly within the confines of a financial plan that supports “what is truly important” to you?


[i] I say that because try as I might, I’ve not been able to find any other reference to this quote other than Steve Jobs!

[ii] For those not versed, he dropped out of college because he didn’t want to waste his parents’ life savings, co-founded Apple in a garage at the age of 20, got fired from Apple at the age of 30 for a vision that conflicted with the board’s, started Pixar and was subsequently invited back to Apple to leave a legacy that few would argue will ever be surpassed in the realm of technology and business.

The Money Maze

by Jim Stovall

The current turmoil in the financial markets has created more confusion and controversy surrounding money, wealth, and personal finance than ever before.  Surprisingly, money is not the key to wealth.  Knowledge is the key to wealth.

People who are wealthy have a high degree of knowledge and understanding as it relates to money.  They did not obtain this knowledge because they have money.  They have money because they obtained this knowledge.

If you divided all the money in the world up equally among those of us in a capitalistic, free enterprise economy, within a few short years, those dollars would find their way home again, and the rich would continue to get richer while the poor got poorer.

Whether you’re dealing with medicine, mechanics, or your money, knowledge is power.  When you visit your doctor or auto mechanic, the more you know, the better off you are and the more likely you become to have a positive outcome from the encounter.

I have written 16 books, and as they are released into the retail marketplace, they all take on a life of their own.  Recently, I have written a book with my co-author Tim Maurer entitled The Ultimate Financial Plan.  When it hit the marketplace, it began getting a lot of attention from high places.  Here are the reviews from USA Today and the New York Times.

This type of publicity for a brand new book is indicative of the hunger in our society of people looking for answers for evermore perplexing questions.

In The Ultimate Financial Plan, we do not seek to give you the answers to all of the questions, but instead, we seek to equip you with the knowledge you will need to evaluate investments and investment professionals.

In today’s financial realm, it’s not enough to simply evaluate financial advice.  You have to evaluate financial advisors.  Financial decisions are among the most important you will ever make for your family and your future.  Unfortunately, if you make the wrong decisions today, you may not know it until you get way down the road toward college expenses, family emergencies, or retirement.  At that point, it’s too late to correct a poor decision and recover.  You can’t wait until you’re thirsty to start digging the well.

We humans have a tendency to avoid perplexing life questions that confuse and frustrate us.  Always remember that doing nothing is never a good financial plan, and to not decide is a decision, in and of itself, and rarely a good one.

As you go through your day today, commit to obtaining the basic knowledge you need to create your own customized money strategy, and then you will have the ultimate financial plan.

Today’s the day!